OOC - gah, trying to explain here some things that happened with our pups last night outside of the structure of play....
God, things are such a wreck right now... I don't even know where to start....
Not wishing for him to be left on his own yesterday, with the emotion of the Return of the King being released, I went to spend the day with Sam.... and he couldn't understand my concern for him, tried to play it off, as if he had no reason to be sad, or confused or whatnot. So, we began talking, and quickly it became obvious that he was not himself. And really, he's not been himself for some weeks, I've felt something was off for the longest time now, but could never quite put my finger on it. Almost like he's been... pulling away from me. I don't know.
Long had I suspected that he might be more drawn to Merry than he was to me, and while that hurt a little, I accepted it. We're all three of us together, so it didn't matter that much. Now, I come to realize, it isn't Merry, but Frodo, that he is really in love with.
I fought so long and so hard to get Sam to see me, to see that I loved him, to see that his perception of class differences between us didn't matter... to win his heart. And things were good for us. Then everything happened with Merry, with him coming in and the three of us becoming a trio, and that was fantastic as well, because I do love him as well. And things were equal amongst us, it wasn't a lop-sided arrangement at all.
But Frodo....? That is another story entirely. Frodo is Sam's world, the sun rises and sets on Frodo. I can't compete with that.
Now, everyone's in a tizzy. Frodo left last night for Valinor, to have some peace and quiet in which to sort all of this out in his head. Jill has already said she can accept it if she must share Frodo with Sam, since he did accept having to share her with Casey. For Merry, it's a non issue. And Sam... well, he's retreated into himself, hiding out in the bungalow, beating himself up over all of this, and feeling as if he's driven Frodo away.
I do not know what Sam's reaction will be if Frodo comes home and says that he wants to be with Sam, but will not give Jill up to do so. Part of me thinks Sam will go the route of "take what I can get", but another wonders if he won't say that it must be all or nothing for him.
And all of this has me wondering just where things will end up for me. If Frodo tells Sam that he wants him, wants to be with him, then I risk losing Sam altogether. Even if Sam still wants to be with me as well, in my heart, I know how unevenly the time will be divided, and I see him so little now as it is.... If Frodo decides that he does not want that sort of relationship with Sam, then I have to live with the knowledge that I am not Sam's first choice, that he stays with me only becaue he can't have the one he really wants, and I think that would kill me even more than the thought of losing him to Frodo.
And what of Merry, then? He's such a playboy, and though I know he does love and care for me, he can never really be mine, any more than he could ever be anyone's.
For now, we're all stuck in limbo, until Sam and Frodo decide just what it is that they want from each other.
*looks at my palm for a moment, finger tracing the lifeline to where the line that Lucifer pointed out intersects it*
I can't help but wonder if this is the grave event that Lucifer saw in my future....